6

Sometimes I work all day just telling myself over and over, ‘…for the love of doing it.’ Simultaneously I sit in pure astonishment wondering how I ended up in this suburban hell.
I hate this. I hate this computer. I hate this blog. I hate the work I do. I hate my life and almost everyone in it. I hate myself and what I have become. And yet suicide doesn’t teach anyone anything; it’ll hurt those few that liked you and have no affect on the systems in place that drove the individual to their final point. Though, I have a deep respect for those that are suicidal, and those that can carry it out; good for you.

Ironically, they’ll never read this after the deed is done.

There enlies the humor. Nothing is as funny as death; because nothing is as funny as that which is unknown. It’s not funny in a conventional sense but I think as a culture we need to reconcile that most true of all facts; you’re going to die. Not today and not tomorrow but it is guaranteed. Eventually your children will die and everything that you ever knew and loved will be gone. And the world will march on all the same. Time is a relative construct and it never changes it’s like gravity or any one of the various bells that rule our universe that a human mind fails to comprehend. (and I mean Fails; the idea that the inherent mass of the planet keeps me from flying off into some vacuum abyss doesn’t even begin to make sense to me. I get the gist of it, I don’t have a better expression or theory, but in a strictly empirical sense I know of nothing else and for me to speak on a subject like gravity or death would be a fool’s errand.) We can speculate about anything, but the truth is simple we are both ‘in’ the universe and ‘of’ the universe. I like that my brain exists, I don’t like that ages, I don’t like that it can fail, I don’t like that I am a human and destined to a life that is finite. As far as the universe is concerned, I like to think of it in a strangely religious sort of fervor.

            Time is not important without the ability to perceive it. Despite what you may have heard rocks don’t give a fuck about time. They don’t care about gravity. They lack the capacity to care, because they are simply inanimate objects. In this way we understand anything to the effect that we can perceive it (like myself regarding gravity and death) our minds have precognition only to the point that it effects our perception. I can plan where I am going to be in the future but I cannot guarantee it, interestingly I can modify my perceived future by sheer willpower within the parameters of my time, place, and reality. Being realistic is a strength in this matter because it helps gauge what you’re going for, somewhat like understanding the density of an object by looking at it. (and don’t give me some fuck-head counter example like aerogel) You can predict with a certain margin of error that you will probably drink water at some point in the future. As a human the likelihood of it is relatively high and these are simple examples. Taken a step further; things like Oedipal hubris is a fabrication of the human imagination. Useful hubris is the ability to manifest one’s goals which is the only actual application of that idea. This then dissolves into efficacy principles.

Ironically, there is still so much that remains undiscovered. I sculpt in excess of 30 hours a week, I sit there all day telling myself that it will all be over soon enough, that I love doing this, that I wish I were somewhere else, that I have feelings that are important to express. These are all lies that I tell myself over and over again to remain productive. I like to think they are true and I want to believe it, but that has yet to be seen. This is the limit to that ‘useful hubris’ idea; even if I really want to manifest something I am not guaranteed any outcomes. But I do believe that there is something inherently beautiful in the struggle, almost erotic, it is that same feeling that makes desire and want so important. This is in part what makes the human experience so transcendent and trivial. Humans, like all “higher” life forms have desires, human desires are the most abstract and by context the most complex but the idea of desire could be understood as a noble conquest all the same. Want is a powerful driving force, one that should be understood to the level of something like gravity and death. Each planet has its own gravity, each living organism will experience its own death. Similarly each living organism seeks its own desires. I feel that there must be an emergent point when an organism reaches a threshold that establishes desires. These desires then shape the existence of that organism. (…and then I suppose some human will go on to give it a name. idk…) What separates a ficus from a magnolia (two plants that are close relatives in the scheme of things) is some internal driving force that seeks establish some kind of internal property. In all likelihood this is driven by external factors like climate and predators. A ficus next to a magnolia placed in a scenario where they both can thrive in does not mean that one or the other devolves into a more rudimentary form, or that if left long enough in one place their evolution will converge into a purely adaptive form to their specific scenario. On the contrary, the two relatively related organisms will continue to evolve and grow towards the path that they were already on. What fascinates me is this understanding that once an organism reaches a kind of ‘comfort precipice’ it ceases to develop. ( eg: Horeshoe crabs, Ginkgo biloba seem to persist in a world where their inherent design has remained ‘good enough’ for so long that it is hard to understand them as anything but what they are.) That said I think it is an inherently human to develop, a human form is a form that is inherently progressive. The design is not particularly specialized, but is capable of nearly everything that it can focus its willpower at and can be understood only by its own measure.

  That said; it could be deduced that we essentially created ourselves. Each “higher” organism is a product of one very driven cell interacting with another. A single connection that could represent anything but is limited within a reality that it can only become one.